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Depression

In talking to a friend yesterday, I admitted I was the last person on earth who should write an inspirational blog. And you know, it’s one hundred percent true. Allow me to explain.

When I was twenty-two years old, a psychiatrist diagnosed me with clinical depression. I am the only one in my family who suffers from it. No one else truly understands the struggle I face every day of my life. For this, I am actually thankful. I would rather no one I love deal with this monster. The depths of despair so overwhelm me that sometimes, it’s difficult to imagine an exit. 

I started Random Thoughts as a snapshot into my life. What am I thinking about? What interests me? What am I passionate about? There are family recipes that I’d like to see live beyond the next generation. The blog has, in many ways, evolved far beyond what I ever imagined it would be. It became a de facto journal for my voluntary opioid taper back in 2018. I write about the other demon in my life: Fibromyalgia, and I write about it at length. I write more about my cats than I ever intended to, seeing as they have their own blog. I’ve memorialized my parents here. They live in this blog and continue to, as long as it remains. 

Though I don’t always update the blog, the Facebook page has been more active for me—it’s easier to write a small blurb than an entire post. The Facebook page, if you haven’t joined it yet, is mostly inspirational. I find memes and meaningful things and repost them with my gems of wisdom. Sometimes I surprise myself with how uplifting I can be. But I seldom follow my own gems of wisdom. Sometimes, I can’t see how it could help me. Me. Wendy. What can *I* gain from it? Most times, my answer is nothing.

When someone suffers from depression, the sunniest day looks like the darkest night. Depression is more than just being sad. It’s a pall cast over someone’s life, one that takes intervention to remove. In thirty years of clinical depression, a handful of those had medical treatment. They replaced the only helpful one I took with the one that nearly killed me. And then it nearly killed me a second time with the withdrawals. Given the choice between opiate and Cymbalta withdrawals, I will take opiates every time. Cymbalta is a hellish drug to quit, and it takes months after the last dose to stop feeling the effects of withdrawal. Never again. Now, I manage my depression with the help of my emotional support animals, Mercy and Bella. I can’t imagine when I won’t need them.

My walk with the Lord has halted. Well, perhaps not completely halted, but I’m not where I want. But I’m tired. I’ve prayed for years for healing that doesn’t come. I’ve prayed for close to three years for deliverance from our financial situation, which only seems to get worse with each passing year. I’m tired of being hungry. Tired of choosing between taking meds and eating. Tired of being broke. Tired of feeling defeated day in, day out, month after month. Am I pathetic? Or pitiful? Maybe a few folks, perhaps stronger in their walk than I, will say it in passing. Because I’m hurting. I’m real. I’m depressed. Maybe I shouldn’t be. But whether or not I’m justified, my feelings are genuine. 

So, you ask, what is my point? Coming clean with you. So I can stop pretending to be okay when I’m not. So I can recognize that I am human, and I’m broken, just like everyone else. So we can realize that we aren’t so different underneath the facades we show. This next year, I will remove my mask, so we can go into this next year of Random Thoughts with a clear mind, and a clean conscience—all revved up and ready to hit the ground running. I wish that for all of you. All of us. 

Even though I’ve said it already, I’ll repeat it here. I wish you all a blessed Christmas and Hanukkah season. I wish you all a happy and prosperous New Year, safe and healthy and free of COVID-19. From my family to yours. With gentle hugs, love, and all my gratitude. Thank you for making Random Thoughts as successful as it’s been. I couldn’t have done any of it without you. 

-Wendy


Featured image by Anemone123 from Pixabay