As I write this, it is 6:30am on Friday, officially day three of my new tapering regimen. And as of now, I have not been to sleep since Wednesday night. I think between the activity early in the week (drive to Tampa and prepping the apartment for our inspection on Wednesday,) the family being in town for the week, and the reduction in pain medication, I am wore slap out.
Every day with the family has been sitting outside in the heat, which is rough on both hubby and me, while the kids swim. And if I’m worn out, I cannot imagine how exhausted my Mom must be. She is not used to so much activity, and so many people all at one time. I know she has been enjoying the time with her family, but they seem to forget she is nearly 90 years old. I think I am starting to understand how she feels. I am too old to have such horrible sleepless nights, but the dose reduction and being out of muscle relaxers is not a very good combination.
So for now, I am going to put the phone down and try to get some sleep before noon. Today is everyone’s last day in town, so I want to make sure I am awake and alert. Maybe it’s a good thing after all the only coffee in the house is dark roast!
Yep, you read that correctly. In the past 24 hours I’ve slept a whole grand total of 4 1/2 hours, and I’ve now gotten a second wind. We had a busy day out with family, their last day in town before either going home or going somewhere else. Quite frankly, I was surprised that I not only stayed awake the whole day but made it out at all. It surely wasn’t looking good at 7:30 yesterday morning when I was still awake, as I had been all night.
I know something big is coming pain- wise, like it did the last time when I attempted this dose on my own last month. I can feel it in the fibers of every muscle in my body; the constant, growing and increasingly bad pain and the accompanying fatigue… the virtual brick wall. Anyone familiar with the Spoon Theory on chronic illness knows this is sum zero spoons. This is the point where you have borrowed every spoon you can borrow from coming days until there are no more to borrow. Some also refer to it as rock bottom, but even though I struggle with fibro, I try to be uplifting.
Oh goody, another painful day, another sleepless night. I am still out of muscle relaxers, and I’m angry with Walmart for three reasons. First, the cyclobenzaprene is no longer on the $4 list at the pharmacy. This latest development is another increase in cost that I cannot afford, especially this month. I can’t be angry at Walmart for my insurance company’s decision to increase every single pain medication co-pay, but this other thing was in their control, and they let me and tons of other pain patients down with this decision; 2) Something happened at the register on our way out today that still has me a bit irritated. Hubby and I got some food for the Boy and Mercy, and then we got some other stuff to fill in until we can get to the pantry. At the register, his card was declined, even though the bill was less than fifteen dollars. I said we would need to void the order, and I apologized profusely. The cashier put her hand on her hip, sighed deeply and said to me, “You mean you don’t have fifteen dollars?” I told her that no, I didn’t. She couldn’t have been more condescending if she had tried. A kind and generous soul paid for our few items. If you happen, by some freak chance, to be reading this blog, once again, a million million thank yous! We will make sure we pay it forward as soon as we can, and then some! 3) A Walmart employee in a bright yellow vest was in the parking lot talking to someone who was in the process of leaving their cart by their car as they prepared to leave. Loud enough for me to understand what was going on, I heard the customer tell her, “Well, I usually bring my cart up front when I’m done,” and then the conversation went muted. Was I really hearing correctly that this Walmart employee was really yelling at a customer who left a basket by her car? Is this what we are coming to now? All indications said yes.
So this is my second out of three nights I have been up and awake past 4am. Tonight I am actually sleepy, which I was not on Thursday evening.
Tonight, by golly, I am going to get this uploaded! The past two nights I have dozed off with the phone in my hand, with a gibberish sentence written, probably half asleep. That will not happen tonight before I finish this thought.
I know this is an odd format for a post, but rather than make short, weird posts I thought I’d do a true journal-style entry. Please forgive me if some of it doesn’t make sense. It probably did to me at the time, and when I proofread it as well. But sometimes I forget when I have a thought in my head, I don’t remember to include all the background. If that is going on here, I am sorry!
It has been a weekend of rest and recovery before swinging right back into life in the morning. The pain has been worse than usual, but the additional pain meds seem to be making things at least a little tolerable. Sunday was the first day I did not leave the apartment since Monday last week. Truly, the one day respite was not nearly enough, but life, as they say, goes on, whether or not I feel like participating.
As far as withdrawal symptoms go, I’ve been doing rather well. Twelve hours seems to be fine, plus I do have the breakthrough pain meds that help in that sense. They aren’t very strong, so I hope they will continue to be sufficient over the course of the next month. If not, I will ask to switch to tramadol instead. No sense in keeping the extra narcotic if it isn’t doing its job, right? Right!
We were blessed today by a loved one with a substantial gift. They know we’ve been struggling, and it was well appreciated. Tomorrow during breakfast, we will work on our first real grocery list since about March. It has been a very long time since we have had enough to get us through a month without worry. If you are reading this entry, please know that we both thank you, and love you dearly.
I am going to wrap this up and get it online. Thanks for bearing with this longer, oddly formatted post. Let me know here, or on Facebook, how you liked the format. If it works better than a series of shorter updates, I’ll continue the journal entries thusly. As always, thank you for stopping by and reading. Soft hugs and blessings!!